A confession

I can’t sleep properly. I woke up at 1am, then 2, then 4, feeling like I have a fever. My dream — it was an old one that I had before. I had to hide a body. The last time I dreamt it, I was successful. This time, the feeling that the dream left me was that it will be discovered anytime soon, along with all the other bones I kept hidden, and I was panicking. Panicking so much to the point that I woke up with a really really heavy feeling in my chest — and the first thought that came to my conscious mind is that it’s my fault Lola’s gone.

I thought — If I hadn’t come here, she probably would still be alive. If I came earlier, I would have been able to see her, she would be happy that I fulfilled my promise, but it’s all just too late. All these ifs, all these I should haves, could haves are only making me feel more helpless than I already am. Are making me feel worse than I already do.

I walked to the bathroom, splashed my face with some cold water, and a huge lump in my throat started to form. Why is my brain betraying me? I thought I was better than this, I thought I will never have issues with my mental health, but why is it making me feel like the way I feel now? I am uncomfortable, like I did something really wrong, and I feel like my unconscious is doing this to me. I so wanted to sit in the bathroom and cry, cry because I was too late. Cry because I didn’t have enough memories with my grandma. Cry because I’m dreading all my family coming together because I just know that in one way or another, the bones and the body that we tried to keep buried are all going to resurface, because one person will start digging and I will not be able to stop it.

I feel so weak.

I feel so helpless.

I am so down.

And I don’t know how to pretend that I’m strong in front of the person who needs to be the strongest right now, because I just know he’s only pretending to be strong, too.