2AM Thoughts

It’s 2am, I had a pretty meh day back at work, watched a crap movie, listened to really sad, sappy songs, and now I’m here, typing away because I’m feeling so many feelings and thinking of so many darn things. I want to sleep but thoughts are going wall to wall around my head and I just want them to freaking calm the fuck down but they don’t. I have so many questions, so many scenarios, so many plans and what ifs…

2018 is about to end and I keep asking myself, what are you going to do next year, in two years, in five? I’m not getting any younger and I strongly feel I’m not even at the peak of my life yet — I mean, should I be? I kinda don’t qualify as “young” anymore but I believe in my head and heart that I still am. At this point, what should I have achieved already? Who should I be, what should I be doing?

I’m at a crossroad — and I don’t know which direction I should head towards. There are so many other factors that I have to consider and sometimes, I can’t help but ask, why can’t I consider just myself? What would make ME happy? Why can’t I just go with the flow and let my life be? Everything should fall into place whenever the universe will mean it to be, right?

I feel trapped. Constrained. Like I can’t do this because of that, I can’t choose this because of that, I have to be this because of that, and it kind of frustrates me.

What to do now, self?